How to be happy. The secret is…..
………that happiness is a side effect not a goal in itself. By side effect I mean something that you didn’t necessarily expect.
This is an easy one to get confused about and to feel pressurised about particularly when we are surrounded by images of people looking happy.
It might be in advertisements and you too would be incredibly happy* if you bought this thing, went to this place, did this thing…..
Or it might be in social media posts of people just like you looking so happy because they’re somewhere doing something that’s making them incredibly happy*.
*I’m using incredibly happy because the word ‘incredibly’ means ‘strangely’ or ‘hard to believe.’
It’s so easy to feel miserable that you’re missing out and sink into ‘everyone’s having a great time except me’ thinking. Fear of missing out taps directly into anxiety and loneliness. It’s a horrible state of mind to be in and a plague on the mental health of young people in particular. But it’s not just the young who are vulnerable to it.
Or - and this might even be worse - you get cynical about whether anyone’s really as happy as they’re making out. That can lead to a depressive spiral into a ‘what’s the point?’ state of mind. I’ve been there. I’m pretty sure we all have from time to time. It’s not a place to stay in for long if you can help it.
This is such a huge subject. It’s about how to live.
As I write I’m in danger of frightening myself into not feeling up to writing anything about happiness and how to live. I mean whole philosophies, religions, a very large slice of all artistic endeavour explores how we live.
So what do I have to say? Me with such an intimate knowledge of all my fears, weaknesses, shortcomings and vulnerabilities? Actually I do have something helpful to say born out of personal experience and paying attention to the philosophies, religions, art and all that good stuff that’s out there offering help.
I have to say that Stoan Method is a helpful thing to do if you feel stuck and down on yourself about what you’re doing and what you think life holds for you.
It’s by no means the only thing to do but I do know from personal experience and from working with so many people who have done Stoan Method with me that it helps.
When I thought about my life differently I realised I had more personal resources and had achieved more than I often gave myself credit for. It’s true I really am acutely aware of my weaknesses, vulnerabilities and all that. But I can also say to myself ‘ you know what, considering you have that innate inclination, you do really well to manage to get over it, through it, around it’ - whatever it takes not to let that thing in me limit my options when I’m looking for options. Session One is about unlocking this thinking.
What I discovered was that everything looked better when I managed to open up my thinking and think more imaginatively, more creatively about things I could do. When I got into a different way of thinking I realised there were more options open to me. I wasn’t as stuck as I thought. Session Two is about realising what’s important to you and that there are a number of ways to bring those things into your daily life.
When I feel miserable I learned to look in detail at my daily life and realise that yes there are things that are really difficult and worrying and heavy to carry. But there are also things every day that are pretty much absolutely great as they are. They just go unnoticed as it’s so easy to get drawn to powerful negatives. Session Three is about looking at what makes up your days in detail and from a fresh perspective.
And finally, I realised to just keep having a go. I mean having a go at trying something new, or trying again at something old. Session Four is about thinking what could be a good thing to go for.
It almost doesn’t matter what it is. It’s the noticing and having a go that matters. I love the poetry of Seamus Heaney and I’ve been reading a book of interviews with him called Stepping Stones. In one of the interviews he says:
“The secret of life and art is threefold: getting started, keeping going, getting started again.”
I’ve got that written on a note where I can see it from my desk but I don’t really need it as I’ll remember it.
It’s got vision (you have to have some sort of vision to in order to get started); it’s got commitment and effort (the keeping going) and it’s got set backs, failures maybe, new thresholds to cross maybe (getting started again). Or getting started again might be because you discover the thing you were going for turned out to be different to what you thought or maybe you’ve changed so you adjust and look for something else to get started towards.
It’s all a journey. It really is possible to get unstuck and get back into the flow of being and feeling alive. Ah, another quote is coming to mind. Another one I don’t need to write down (although I did!) because I remember it.
“We are not even a boat on the river. We are the river”
I heard Matthieu Ricard, a Buddhist monk, say this at a talk he gave with Professor Wolf Singer, a neuroscientist. It was at an event by an organisation called Action For Happiness to promote Ricard and Sing’s book called Beyond The Self.
The talk was billed as ‘sharing insights from Buddhism and neuroscience to help us live happier and more compassionate lives.’
This happiness thing is indeed a big subject.
Last link now. I promise!
I did a search for ‘How to be happy’ to see what came up. Over 1.5 million suggestions as it turned out. This came out near the top.
It’s a Forbes blog post called How To Be Happy: 20 Ways To be Happier Today by Zack Friedman author of Lemonade Life. I haven’t read the book and to be honest I steer away from things that feel as if they’re a bit shouty. My inclination is towards gentler suggestions that fit around me rather than mental bootcamp type stuff. Thats just me though.
When I read through his 20 instructions (they’re more directions than suggestions….) I have to say - yes I totally get what you’re saying and doing one, two or all of things would definitely be a good idea. I know it because I’ve adopted some of the daily habits myself. I’ve done them for a long time coming across them from other resources. For example every night without fail I write down, in very short summaries, three things I’m grateful for that day. It’s a lovely last thing to rest your mind on at night. Even the worst days - and like you I’ve had what feel like the worst of days - even those days have things to be grateful for in them.
Actually the link to Zack Friedman’s book wasn’t the last link. I’ve just thought of a poem I used to carry around with me before smartphones were invented. I think it was even when the internet was pretty new. I have it in a poetry anthology that I bought in 1993 (the same year I discovered what was to become Stoan Method). The anthology is called Poems On The Underground. I’ve looked but I don’t think it’s in print anymore. It’s a poem called The Unpredicted by John Heath-Stubbs. I can only find it online to an insecure site so here it is.
“The Unpredicted
Th goddess Fortune be praised (on her toothed wheel
I have been mincemeat these several years)
Last night, for a whole night, the unpredictable
Lay in my arms, in a tender and unquiet rest -
(I perceived the irrelevance of my former tears) -
Lay, and at dawn departed. I rose and walked the streets
Where a whitsuntide wind blew fresh, and blackbirds
Incontestably sang, and the people were beautiful.”
I think I’m ending on this poem because some things do just take time to get through. So be gentle and patient with yourself. That’s a good project to try.
If you enjoy the perspective of taking time (it’s a very powerful perspective) you might enjoy this poem too from another blogpost here.